


Hey Sammy

by AiTrads (Aivynh)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, Dead Dean Winchester, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Young Winchesters (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-25 07:09:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17720510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aivynh/pseuds/AiTrads
Summary: Sam had this thought in front of the casket. Nobody should attend to their brother’s inhumation. Not when he was only twenty years old, not when it was Dean. It would fucking suck without him.





	Hey Sammy

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Hey Sammy](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/455588) by Lasurvolte. 



> Author : lasurvolte (pseudo) or mari (but you could also call me Plectrude if you want)  
> Disclaimer : Supernatural belongs to his creators  
> Warning : This fic is pretty long (42 pages long but I couldn’t cut it) and is really really difficult. I cried when I wrote it, and half of the time my heart was a wreck and I had tears in my eyes. I cried when I read it again and it wrecked my heart again. This fic breaks, touches, and hurts. If you don’t feel it, don’t read it. In this fic, relationships are really strong, especially the brothers one which is a lot fusional, and I hope you will enjoy it. Hold on tight and good reading.
> 
> Translator's note : There might be some typos and grammatically weird sentences.
> 
> Warning : use of homophobic slurs, suicide attempts and a lot of suicidal thoughts

 

It was in front of the casket that he had the thought. “ _It fucking sucks, nobody should attend to their brother’s inhumation_ ”. Nobody. Not when we are sixteen years old, when the brother only had twenty. Not when it was an idiotic car accident which ended his life. Not when their brother was their entire life.

Not when it was Dean who’s dying.

“It fucking sucks.” He said aloud.

His father slapped him in the face. Because hey, his father was depressed, he had lost the best of his sons, or at least the one who obeyed the easiest. Because his father had needed to unleash on someone. Because Sam had said a swear word in a Church, in front of a lot of good people. The only reaction Sam found was to repeat:

“It really fucking sucks.”

xxx

If Dean had been here at his own inhumation, Sam was sure the inhumation would have been fun. Dean would have surely said something he’s not supposed to, Sam would have had to put his hand in front of his mouth to no laugh. _Really, we don’t laugh at a inhumation._ If Dean would have been at his own inhumation, they would, both of them, have been hidden in a corner, would not have moved around the casket, Dean would have stolen food, or put itching powder in the priest’s robes, Sam would have been amused and annoyed at the same time, he would have told him “Really Dean it still is your inhumation” and Dean would have smirked, and would have shrugged.

And Sam could imagined it so well it was a bit like he was seeing it. Dean stealing a glass of alcohol from this uncle he didn’t know anything, that he never knew, was he really their uncle? Wasn’t he someone who took benefit from inhumations to eat freely? Why are we eating and drinking at this inhumation?

Dean would have hated all this dietetic food, carrots, cucumbers. Dean would have liked everyone coming wearing whatever they want and that they put the best rock groups as background. Dean would have wanted pie as an obligatory dish. And Dean would have passed his hand in Sam’s hair “Hey Sammy”.

But no, his father had wanted black, classical and depressing musics, salad. Sam usually liked salad. But not today. Not ever.

xxx

When the telephone had rung, Sam was mad against Dean. Dean had sworn to get him at the library, he had crossed his heart, hoped to die. Dean had not come and Sam had gone home by himself, really grumpy.

“You’ll go the hell Dean.”

It was Mary who had answered the phone. Sam was sure Dean had forgot him because he was again with a new girl, there was always a girl. And Dean forgot. Sam was really going to yell at him when he will get home, he will see.

Then he saw his mother’s face fell. Her features grew old in front of his eyes, her face became white, so white. Sam had saw his mother fell on her knees and whispered:

“No… No it’s not possible.”

And Sam had understood. He had understood without understanding how exactly, hoping to be wrong. Sam wanted to be wrong more than ever. Maybe his mother was just sick. Yes, sick.

But on the phone, it was a policeman. A policeman with a mouth full of words, words that will forever deprive Sam from his brother. Words like accident, decease instantly, sorry.

Sorry.

Sam didn’t cry, he felt more like he had been knocked. He didn’t want Dean to go to hell. Or even to heaven…

xxx

Mary was sitting in a corner, she was like a white statue. Red eyes because of her crying too much, unable to smile, unable to say thank you to the “sorry for your loss”, unable to pretend that she could go through the day while her kid was in a casket. John was also sad, but John was holding it, he couldn’t be weak. Being weak was for women. Sam would have liked to insult him in front of everyone because of the smile he had, because a man don’t cry. _Fucking loser_. If Dean had been here, he would have defended their father.

“But you’re not here… So shut your mouth.”

xxx

In fact it wasn’t a inhumation. It was a cremation. They were going to burn Dean’s body and then put his ashes in the little garden next to it. His big brother will be a fertilizer. Sam couldn’t help but hope Dean will use all of his cynicism to kill the plants. How long again would this comedy be?

He hated this place, he hated those people who didn’t know Dean and was doing a speech about this boy, so right, so nice, a boy so good. Dean would have howled of laughter. A good boy, him? Really? He had stopped his studies after high school, which has disappointed so bad their dear dad. He held minors jobs, changed girls like we change shirts, stole money from one of his bosses. Dean couldn’t find himself, but he took care all the time of Sam, even too much sometimes.

For Sam, Dean was everything. His pain in the ass of a big brother, his superhero who knew how to do everything, super resourceful, a little genius of mechanics and creation, his confident, his best friend. The one who protected him from their father when he was upset. The one who knew how to make disappear the pain of a disappointment. And even when he was annoying, even when he did dumb shit, even when Dean forgot Sam at the library for the three hundredth times because of a girl, Sam adored him, Sam loved him with all his heart.

He was his big brother. For fuck sake.

And Sam didn’t have a speech about him. What could he say. Dean was the best person he knew but no one here really knew him. He had heard earlier someone saying to another _“I wouldn’t have liked to have this kid, he was a troublesome one, this is what he gets”_. Dean would have acquiesced, Dean would have said “you’re right, what a bad kid I was”. But Sam… Sam knew that everything was only a facade.

Dean was more than what he showed.

If Sam has gone to do a speech, he would have said that Dean fucks them all. All of them. _He didn’t even know who you were, and you who he was_. For Dean the only thing that really matters was his family. It was his father, even though his father wasn’t an easy guy, far from it. But for Dean his father, he was a hero we can’t criticize him, that’s the thing. His family it was his mother. Dean adored his mother. Mary was the one who cradle him while singing rock, the one who told stupid jokes and who believed in him, even when he did shit, she was the one who encouraged him.

And finally his family it was Sam.

Sam didn’t have anything to say about himself. What would Dean say about him? “My little brother the salad eater who spend all of his time in books instead of in the arms of girls?”. Perhaps he would have said that, he would have said it with an affectionate tone and maybe a bit mocking. And Sam would have raise his eyes to the sky.

But Sam had nothing to say to all of those people. Neither Mary. John, him, on the other hand… He couldn’t stop. It was his son this, and Dean that, and he was a kid so smart and so awesome and so on. Sam could almost hear Dean yawning and grumbling _“Come one dad you don’t think half of it, get over it”_.

Get over it.

xxx

Sam didn’t cry. He has simply told himself like that, plainly, that he will commit suicide. It was the first idea he had. His brother was dead, and he would join him, so that they could cause mayhem upstairs, or downstairs, or somewhere. Or nowhere. Suicide was super easy. He could take pills, slit his wrists, hang himself. He wasn’t scared of pain. He immediately went in his room to go on his laptop to search how to kill himself easily, and for it to be fast so he could join his brother. It was crazy all the informations he had found, as if we had to prepare the whole world about how to commit suicide, just in case. He chose the most convenient, the one which didn’t take to much preparation. Well there was still a risk that it will not work, and that was why Sam had read all the things he needed to know for it to go smoothly.

He was in the bathroom with a sharp object even before he knew it. He only thought about his goal. Because there was no other solution.

And then he heard his parents yelling. His father was screaming to Mary, telling her it was her fault, that she let Dean go out with the Impala. As if she was the one driving and running full speed in that tree. Mary was also yelling, she was yelling that her son was dead and that he didn’t have the right to say so today. Dean was dead! The only thing she wanted was to cry and cry again and not fight. Sam sighed.

He took the sharp edge and pressed it on his wrist. Two seconds. Then he released it. Because you know, this is what Dean would have said “ _Take care of mom Sam, you can’t let her down now. You can’t”._ He couldn’t.

xxx

The casket disappeared. Sam didn’t watch the cremation on the little TV. His eyes were fixed on a point far away. He would have liked to be this point far away, be this point to not be here whereas his brother was eaten by flames. If Dean would have been here, he would have fixed the screen until the end. “ _Look Sam, it’s important to watch”_. But Dean wasn’t here and Sam tried to become the point, with all his might.

xxx

Luckily, it was over. The food. The casket. The speeches. The hypocrisy.

The silence at home gave him the feeling to be deaf, Sam ran upstairs and locked himself in Dean’s room. His father had yelled but he didn’t hear about what and he didn’t care. Sam put out every Dean’s tapes, who didn’t even know we were now at the CDs era. He put one randomly in the tape player, blasted the music and closed his eyes.

It was a bit like Dean was here, laying on his bed while Sam was sitting on his swivel chair. Or the contrary. With the two of them, they remade the world. And yet they were so differents, everybody told them. They were so differents that they didn’t even look like brothers.

But brothers they were. And they got along more than others.

His father pounded at the door. “Get out, it’s not your room, and turn off this music.”

Sam put it louder and ignored him.

xxx

Saying the dinner didn’t go well was an euphemism. Mary burnt everything, John had complained.

“If you want something to be well done, then do it yourself.” She had said while sitting.

Sam had ate without saying anything. Funnily, Dean was a good cook, he always acted like a big macho type of guy, but when we put him in a kitchen, he had fun. John was depressed, so John bothered.

“Sam your elbows on the table. Sam I don’t want you listening to music like earlier or it will go down. Sam I said something about your elbows.”

Sam had raised his eyes looking jaded, like he was saying “ _you’re annoying me right now_ ”. The hit went off. John had punched so hard Sam fell backward. Mary had stood up.

“Stop it!”

And they yelled at each other again. Sam had tried to get in between to defend his mother and was hit a second time, then a third, and a forth. Mary screamed again.

“Stop, stop! John!”

And John had finally stopped. He showed the stairs with his finger. “Go to your room, I don’t want to hear you anymore.”

Sam hadn’t said anything though.

Weirdly Sam didn’t care about being beaten. He looked at his bruises on his face, growing, and it has something fascinating. Dean would have hated, Dean would have been so furious if he was here. Against his father, against his mother, against his brother. Against his family which was ripped apart meanwhile Dean had always tried to keep them together.

“It can’t work without you brother. It can’t work.”

xxx

This night Sam had called his brother’s phone. He didn’t even know what happenned to it. At the other end, the voicemail. Dean’s voice saying “ _Yep, I’m not here, don’t bother to leave a message, I don’t listen to them. By the way Sammy, I’m coming in two minutes_ ”

Sam called him a thousand times. _I’m coming in two minutes._

xxx

Sam took a week before going back to high school. His father had told him to go back at least ten times before, but he didn’t obey. Maybe to provoke him, maybe because Sam couldn’t see the interest to go to school anymore, as if life had stopped. He was alive, at least for his mother, but he felt like the world stood still, that time had stopped.

It was scary to see that people was still here, that high school didn’t collapse. Sam had friends and his friends went to him to talk, trying to console him, tell him nonsense words “ _we’re here if you need_ ”. He didn’t need them. He needed Dean, why was it so difficult to comprehend.

The teachers had been nice to him. Offered their condolences, assured him if he had difficulties in class, it didn’t matter, they understood. Sam would have liked nobody knew Dean was dead, because he always felt like everyone was trying to remind him of it.

Strangely, the classes were easy to follow. Dean was dead but Sam didn’t forget how to calculate, how to read, how to solve a problem, how to colorize a map, how to answer questions. In the hall, he heard someone saying he didn’t have any feelings, he was cold like a stone, he didn’t even look like he was sad. Sam turned around and smiled to them.

Dumbasses.

xxx

Sam watched as his father repaired the Impala. Was he trying to repair Dean the same way? Dean loved his car, the fact that he rammed it in a tree was pretty ironic because he took care of it more than himself. Sam wondered if Dean’s soul could have stayed in the Impala. He wondered if he would like to drive it when he would have his licence. He wondered if he would want his licence now. He may not have the right to choose, his brother would never come to get him at the library.

xxx

Sam knew his mother counted the days. It has been now eighteen days. Eighteen days of silence, eighteen days of dead. What did she think? That at day hundred and sixty two it will be easier?

“Mom, why are you counting?”

“To know how many days separate us from Dean.”

Eighteen days separate them from Dean. How much time since the rope will cut off?

xxx

Twenty crosses on the calendar. Sam, John and Mary lived next to each other. The word “together” was a bit too strong for them. They barely talked, still ate together but didn’t communicate, then everyone was doing their things. No one said Dean’s name nevertheless Dean was everywhere. He was on the empty chair. He was in his room, in his music tapes that Sam was playing on repeat. He was reading this porn magazine he hid under this bed -and everyone knew he hid them there.

Dean was the pie’s leftover that nobody touched and was slowly rotting in the fridge. Sam saw him in his mother’s back, this bent back, she was carrying her son’s death like we lift a mountain. He saw him in the latent fury of his father who had never been able to put Dean on the right path, who could never do it now. His biggest disappointment.

Sam also heard him all the time. _Sammy your hair’s a mess, Sammy stop working and come play this new fighting game with me, Sammy you’re sleeping? Eh! Sammy don’t worry, dad was a bit upset today, but he loves you. Sammy I promise you to come get you, cross my heart, hope to die._

“You promised Dean.”

But Dean was not here anymore. He was the memory haunting those walls and playing the ghost. Sam regretted all the time he didn’t commit suicide.

xxx

Sam remembered. He was about six, Dean was cycling at full speed while Sam was gripping him tight. He didn’t ask him to slow down, he trusted him. Dean was going so fast though, that Sam was sure they were going at the same speed as trains. The child’s innocence.

“Where are we going Dean? Tell me, where are we going?”

But Dean didn’t answer his question.

Dean came to him screaming “ _Sammy Sammy, come I saw something extraordinary”_ and Sam had followed. Sam followed Dean everywhere.

They finally arrived, Dean had dropped the bike and Sam had started to talk, to ask where they were and what they were doing here. Dean had put a hand on his mouth and pushed him in a bush.

“Look Sammy.”

And Sammy had looked. And Dean was right, he saw something extraordinary. It was foxes, baby foxes which were playing with their mother. The smallest seemed to be cast aside, but suddenly the biggest went near him and push him gently. Playing with him. Dean had whispered at his ear.

“You see. They are two brothers. Like you and me Sam. We are like these foxes. I would never leave you, I will never let you aside.”

And Sam had believed him. He had believed him.

_Liar._

xxx

The last words his brother had said to him was “ _Yes I will be on time, stop annoying me Sammy.”_

Why do we always remember the last words, not the first ones. What could have been the first words Dean had said to him?

xxx

A month. Was it a month-anniversary? Sam wondered if Dean would have appreciated they cooked a pie and blew a candle. Dean loved pie, Dean would have loved this idea.

xxx

Sam’s grade were better than before. At the same time, he didn’t have a lot of thing to do outside working. His father who had always been obsessed with a daily sport training, didn’t talk to him at all. His mother was more involved, she gently talked to him, took him in her arms, clinged to her second son, the one still alive, and Sam was nice to her, because he was alive for her. But then she sat in front of the tv and lost all her colors, lost her life, and Sam was only sixteen, he didn’t know what to do. Except working. Working. Working.

Dean wasn’t here to bother him.

If he had knew he would missed it so much, he would have hugged his brother everytime he would come to bother him.

Teachers congratulated him for his grades. Despite his difficult situation, he did hold on and they were proud of him. Sam watched them talk like they were giant talking dolls. Proud of him? Proud of him?

Proud of him?

Sam took a chair and broke a window in high school. He will make them proud, then.

xxx

His father punched him. His father seemed to only communicate with his fists. It was also a way to talk. Sam wanted to be beat, he discovered it when the hit did more good than harm. He would have liked his father hit him until he physically break, the same way he was broken inside. Until he dies. His father settled for a hit and a shout. _A shame._

xxx

Sam listened to his brother’s music. In repeat. He closed his eyes and started to smile. Dean sang, he sang loud but more importantly really bad. Sam often grumbled about it but he often ended up singing with him, and they were both singing out of tune with voices full of laughter.

There was this discussion. Sam remembered.

“Dean?”

“Hm.”

“If you leave the house, are you going to take me with you?”

“I would never leave without you Sam, you already know it.”

“You promise Dean?”

“I promise.”

“Spit swear!”

And Dean had spit in Sam’s hand.

“You’re disgusting!”

“You were the one telling me to spit.” Had laughed Dean.

Sam had also laughed. He had laughed.

Sam kicked the tape player.

“You promised me you’ll never leave without me.”

xxx

When Sam felt down, Dean always knew right away. In middle school, there was this girl, Sam was so much in love with, he was a bit ridiculous, he was just a teenager going through puberty. But he was in love. He had written a poem. He was like that, Sam, he loved this girl and instead of saying it properly, he wrote poems. He took a lot of time to wrote it, he wanted something good, something serious. Then he went to gave it to her, with all his shyness, red cheeks, sputtering mouth and shifty eyes. It took courage for this little Sam to go and give his poem.

And what did the girl do? She had laughed. She had laughed then read the poem in front of everyone. She has stamped Sam’s feelings like it was nothing.

Sam has been really depressed, but when he came home he did like it was a normal day at school. He kissed his mother, said hello to his father, did the twenty press ups he had asked, had gone to do his homeworks. Then suddenly someone had pulled his swivel chair and his brother pushed him at full speed in the hallway and brought him in his room. Then he played music and put a gamepad in his hands to play with him. Dean didn’t let him until Sam laughed. And Dean looked at him smiling:

“There, this is what I like. I don’t like you being depressed.”

Sam never knew how Dean knew. It was surely a sort of brother’s sixth sense. That was it.

Sam told him everything and Dean didn’t laugh, didn’t mock him. He could have.

“She’s just stupid, drop it, she doesn’t know her loss.”

“Seriously Dean? You’re not mocking me because I wrote a poem?”

“No. I will admit something Sam.”

“What ?”

“I’m proud of you.”

Sam didn’t know exactly why. If it was because he wrote a poem, or because he had the courage to give it to a girl. Or if it was a general statement. But Dean was proud of him and it warmed his heart.

Now Sam felt like no one will ever be proud of him. No one will ever know when he’s feeling down. And right now? He was feeling pretty bad.

xxx

Sam also knew when Dean was feeling bad. Dean however was better than Sam to dissimulate it. He was a master in it, but Sam knew. And Dean knew that Sam knew.

He remembered this time when Dean came home, all smiles, did a dumb joke then did the press ups for his father’s training with only one hand. Finally, he met Sam in the hallway and their eyes found each others. Dean had smirked. Sam knew, and Dean knew Sam knew. That’s it.

“If you want to talk about it Dean…”

Dean had shrugged. Of course he wouldn’t want.

But Sam never quit. He would gave him a look in the corner of the hallway, or he would stay in his room and harass him by speaking until Dean gave away.

“Very well Sam. If you want to know, I was fired again. Don’t tell dad, he will go ballistic. I’m going to find a new job soon. I know I’m a failure but…”

Sam had hug him. “You’re not a failure, you’re an awesome dude. I won’t tell dad.”

Dean melt in his arms. “For fuck sake Sam, what would I do without you?”

That’s what Sam wondered everyday now. What would he do without Dean now, uh?

xxx

At the sixty second cross, Sam took pills. Too bad.

xxx

He woke up at the hospital. Disappointed.

xxx

It was his mother who had been the most furious. She looked at him with storms in her eyes but instead of slapping him, Mary had took him in her arms and squeezed so much he almost choked.

“I already lost a son, I refuse to lost the second one. You hear me? So even though you suffer, even though you miss him, you better hold on. Sam, you better hold on.”

Sam hated her for a second to not give him a choice. But he loved her too much and in return hugged her tightly.

His father didn’t have any reaction, no anger, no lecture, no sadness, he barely looked at him, he distanced himself from him. His favorite son was already gone, what would it change to lose the other one? When John finally looked at him, Sam had smile, one of those fake and ironic smiles Dean knew very well. John looked away and got out of the room.

Later Sam heard his parents yelling in front of his door.

“You could at least say something, tell him you love him, tell him you don’t want him to do it again! I don’t know, be creative, you normally always had something to tell them.”

“Tell them? You mean “him”, did you forget we only have one now?”

“I didn’t forget, no. But do you want to lose the second one? Tell him what you feel!” And Sam had listened closely.

“That’s the problem. I don’t feel anything. Nothing.”

“You don’t care that he dies?”

“I don’t don’t care. It’s my son and I don’t want him to die. But it doesn’t mean that I have to lie to him by saying that I love him!”

Sam put his head under his pillow.

xxx

This time Sam was really screaming with his father. It was not long ago. Two or three weeks before Dean embraced a tree. Sam didn’t know anymore what it was about, there was always something to scream at with John. But that was worse than usual, maybe because Dean couldn’t stopped them this time. Sam had said to his father that he hated him. The words of teenagers who “hated” their parents, of course he didn’t hated John. He didn’t hated him after all. He was his father.

But John was unwavering and Sam knew, everything his father said was the word of god.

“You can hate me Sam, I don’t care. Being father and son doesn’t mean we have to love each other. My job is not to be loved, nor to love you, it’s to educate you and that’s all. If you’re not happy with that, the door is wide open.”

And Sam could have taken the door, he would have if his brother didn’t hold him back. Instead he shut the door of his room and it took him an hour before letting Dean in. Dean had swore. “Dad loves you, he just doesn’t know how to express it. He loves us both.”

“Dad is an asshole.”

“Sam, you can’t say that.”

“Well, you know what? I don’t care, I will say it nevertheless. He is an asshole.”

“Damn Sam, you could also make an effort, you’re always defying him too.”

“And you to say yes at every word he says.”

Dean had sighed. “I’m not here to fight with you, bro, just to tell you that dad loves you.”

Sam had stayed silent, and Dean had left his room.

What would Dean say now? If he had heard it? _Dad loves you he just doesn’t know how to express it?_

Yeah.

xxx

Sam had to stay at the hospital for a physcological follow-up. It didn’t bother him, that he was at home or here, there wasn’t a lot of thing to do. He liked the psychiatrist, he was a sympathetic guy with a funny name like Marvin. So there were really people whose name was Marvin.

They discussed about everything, classes, teachers, Sam’s friends, his parents, small talks, they talked about Sam who took pills and thought about suicide, of Sam’s favorite dish, of the fact that he had always wanted a dog. They beat around the silent subject, but before the end of the week, Marvin didn’t let him to get to choose.

“Let’s talk about Dean.”

Sam had closed his mouth.

“Come on, I’m sure you have something to tell me about him.” Sam had shrugged. “For exemple, how would he had reacted about your suicide attempt?”

Sam ended up talking. “He would had yelled at me like rotten fishes. He would screamed that I have to stay for mom. But I already know what I would say to him.”

“What would you say?”

“It’s easy for you Dean, it’s easy because you’re not the one here.”

xxx

They gave him antidepressants then he went home. With the order to come back once a week to talk to Marvin. No problem.

Marvin asked him if he wanted to kill himself again. Sam didn’t answer. Perhaps because the answer was yes, but he couldn’t, he didn’t have the right to, he had to hang on and hold up.

Hang on and hold up, without his brother.

xxx

Sam opened his eyes when Dean passed his hand in his hair, just to wake him up. “Hey Sammy, why do you look so sad? Did you have a nightmare?”

Sam took him in his arms and hugged him tightly. “Yeah. You were dead Dean, and it was horrible.”

Dean laughed. “I would never leave you Sammy, you already know it.”

Sam hugged him harder. “You better.”

Sam had woken up and had searched Dean everywhere. Dean was dead. Dean was dead. And Sam understood that there were dreams even worse than nightmares. Dreams full of crazy hope which only left disappointment and left Sam just a little more empty. Empty like Dean’s room where he didn’t find him, where he would never find him again.

xxx

Day hundred and three. It was the worst Christmas ever. Sam had bought a gift for his mother and for his father. Mary did the Christmas tree, trying to make it more joyful. John didn’t say anything, he opened the gifts. Sam opened his and kissed her mother for the book, also kissed his father for the… bike’s tyre changer.

Then there was the silence. And they all went to bed.

xxx

At the new year, Sam lost control. His father stayed outside all day to clean and take care of the Impala. His mother put another cross on the fucking calendar.

Sam… Sam had been alone, alone as never before. Dean always brought him somewhere for the new year, star gazing, or to the cinema, he had brought him in a snowy field to get lost in, did sledge at midnight. Dean always found an idea, and now he spent the day locked and listening to Dean’s music, and he couldn't handle it and started to freak out.

It seemed to be the reason why he took out the sledgehammer from the garage and went straight to the Impala and started to hit it, to destroy it.

His father had yelled but he had yelled louder while busting up the windows and the hood. “What do you think? That it will make him come back? Dean is dead, Dean is dead for fuck sake, he will never come back! Never! Never! Never!”

Then he hit and hit again and his father didn’t succeed to stop him because Sam threatened to hit him too. He ended up dropping his weapon, because of his tiredness. Then he went back home and took his mother’s calendar and ripped it, teared it apart.

“Even a thousand day after Dean, the pain will always be here! The pain will always be the same." He had screamed throwing pieces of the calendar around him.

The pain will always be the same.

_Happy new year._

xxx

Here came the worst day. Dean should have had twenty one years old this day. Sam would have called him “old man” and would have put twenty magic candles on a pie. That Dean would have blown ten times before taking them out while grumbling. Sam would have offered him something really cool that Dean surely would have loved. It would have been a great day.

Instead Sam sat on the house’s porch and watched his father repair, again, the Impala. They weren’t talking a lot since Dean’s death, now his father ignored him like he didn’t exist. Like he didn’t have a son. Mary had the opposite behavior, she was more present, more cuddly, she did what she could with the only son left. For him to stop being sad, or angry, even though it was impossible.

So Sam was sitting on the house’s porch when the man opened the little garden’s gate and entered their house. John didn’t even see him, Sam let him come close without saying anything. It was a guy with black hair which didn’t seem to meet a comb frequently, and who didn’t seem to know fashion very well. His trench coat was too big. He looked at Sam. His eyes were blue like sapphires, there was something electric and for an instant, Sam wondered if he was real or if he had hallucinations. He stopped in front of Sam and tilted his head. “You must be Sam. I am Castiel.”

xxx

Castiel had asked Sam if they could go somewhere else and Sam had accepted without knowing why. Maybe because this guy seemed to have fell straight from the sky, a cursed day, and that he knew him.

They went to a coffee shop nearby, Sam ordered a hot chocolate so did Castiel.

“I had always prefer chocolate over coffee.”

Sam asked. “Castiel, how do you know me?”

“Your brother talked a lot about you.”

“You knew my brother?”

Castiel noded. “If you knew him, why weren’t you here when we put him in an oven?”

“We put your brother in an oven?”

“For the cremation” Sam explained.

“ Ah. Yes. Of course. I would have liked to be here. But I didn’t know Dean was dead.”

“How could you missed that? Even strangers knew it.”

They were cut by the waiter who served their chocolate, but Sam still waited for his answer. Castiel ended up saying. “I wasn’t there.”

“Where were you?”

“I was gone for a humanitarian mission in Africa. I promised Dean I would come back before his birthday. And I came back. And I learned Dean didn’t wait for me. I would have liked to be here sooner Sam, if only I knew…” Sam almost heard a sob from Castiel’s throat. “When I came back and learnt Dean passed away, I couldn’t come right away, I couldn’t. It hurt too much. But today was his birthday… And I told to myself that you must me alone too.”

“But who are you for Dean? Why didn’t I heard of you, uh?”

Castiel stared at Sam. “His boyfriend.”

Sam spat his hot chocolate.

xxx

It wasn’t like he didn’t suspect it. That Dean didn’t only liked girls, that Dean surely had something with guys. It was easy to guess because Dean accidentally let his eyes wandered on some guys’ ass, and also because Sam knew Dean, that he knew it.

And there was this discussion.

“Sam can I ask you something weird?”

“Go on.”

“What would you say if a friend of yours announce you he was gay?”

Sam shrugged. “Probably nothing and why are you asking me this?”

“I’m serious Sam! You would surely say something?”

“No. He’s a homo, he’s a homo, that’s all.”

“It doesn’t change anything?”

“Nothing at all.”

“You wouldn’t reject him? You wouldn’t find him disgusting?”

“No. Nothing like that. Dean, why are you asking me this?”

“For nothing.”

And Sam never had any other answer. But he thought that the “friend” Dean was talking about, it was perhaps himself.

xxx

“Dean would never have a boyfriend.”

“Yes he had.”

“No, he would have told me, Dean told me everything.”

“He was scared of your reaction.”

“No! Dean always had girlfriends and…”

“It was a cover, he was freaking out if your father discovered it.”

“Dean wouldn’t have keep it secret from me, Dean never hid anything from me.” Sam had screamed and everyone was watching them but he didn’t care. Dean would have told him, he refused that Dean had hid it.

“He wanted to tell it to you Sam.”

“But he didn’t…”

“He didn’t have time. He wanted to tell you today, the day of his birthday, he thought that you would have been in a good mood, that you would have taken it well.”

“Of course I would have taken it well! I loved my brother, I don’t care about his sexual orientation. I don’t care do you understand?”

Cas had a little smile. “That’s what he said. _‘Cas I’m scared but in fact I know that Sam doesn’t care, Sam will love me anyway, that’s why I’m gonna tell him._ ’ ”

Sam clenched his fists, his brother was dead and in addition he felt betrayed. “Since when?”

“What?”

“Since when were you together?”

“About a year.”

Sam stood up and ran away.

xxx

Dean didn’t told him. Never. He hid it and Sam never knew, nothing. He didn’t guess, he didn’t see that Dean no longer went out with girls, that they only were covers for him. Dean had took his little dirty secret in his grave -or more in the garden- and Sam resented him, he resented him and he couldn’t even yell at him. He couldn’t even scream at him. He couldn’t do anything, just brew the air, feel helpless, be pissed at the sky. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you leave? Why did you abandon me? I hate you Dean, I hate you!”

It wasn’t true, it was so untrue. It would have been so simple if it was. If he could not miss Dean, if it wasn’t like a hole in his heart. Sam couldn’t take it, he couldn’t take it.

xxx

Sam had ran away this time. He only was ten and he ran away. Because his father had drown the puppy Sam had found in a cardboard box and had brought back. It was sick had said John, it was sick, it was better where he was now.

Sam had ran away and had swore to never come back. Never. He took a bag with his possessions, and goodbye family. It had started to rain and Sam hid in the old wooden shack in the playground. It was an ugly place, full of dust where no one ever went anymore, except for the spiders.

He thought no one will ever find him until the door opened and his wet brother came in and sat next to him. The shack was really small, they had to squeeze, Dean’s wet shoulder against Sam’s. “How did you find me?”

“I always know how to find you.”

“For real?”

“You’re always hiding here Sam. When you’re angry, when you’re sad, when it’s raining. You come here.”

“I thought nobody knew.”

“Me, I knew. I know everything about you Sam.” He put his arm around his brother and Sam had cried on his shoulder. Dean hadn’t said anything, he had let him cry and when it had stopped raining, they went out and came home.

Dean had yelled at John this day.

xxx

Sam was sitting here, like years ago and the door opened. So for a few seconds, Sam thought it was Dean. That he came to get him, that he finally came. He saw the man who appeared full of hope, opened his mouth to pronounce his brother’s name. It wasn’t Dean and a mountain of despair fell on him. “Sam.”

“How did you find me Castiel?”

“Dean had talked about this place. I told you Sam, Dean always talked about you.”

“And me, I never knew anything about you. Nothing.” Cas entered in the shack, event though he was too big, and sit next to him. It was really tight and if Cas had been Dean, Sam would have been happy. Here, he just felt like a sardine.

“Dean loved you.”

Sam hugged tighter his legs against him. “For Dean you were always first. Sometimes, I was almost jealous. But I quickly learned that I had to accept it. You were the most important thing he had.”

Sam listened to Castiel in silence. “He was so proud of you. He said to me ‘ _Cas, if you could see my brother, he’s so smart._ ’, or ‘ _Cas, Sammy was grumpy today, he’s cute even when I annoy him, it makes me want to annoy him more_ ’. I wanted to meet you, and he swore to me ‘ _when I will be twenty one you’ll meet him, Cas, you’ll see, you’ll love him. You know what, maybe you’re going to fall in love with him. But I forbid you. Because you’re my boyfriend and you’re too old and too ugly!_ ’ ”

Sam grumbled. “He thought you were ugly?”

“I don’t think so. I think this is what Dean called ‘irony.’ ”

“Yeah Dean was good in it. And how old are you?”

“Twenty eight years old.”

“Well that is really old.”

“You think I’m old?”

“Irony Castiel, irony.” Castiel stopped talking and Sam too. Sam felt Castiel’s shoulders shake against his and had turned his head. Big tears rolled on Castiel’s cheeks and he clenched his teeth like he was trying to contain them, without being capable of.

He wiped them off and they rolled faster. “I’m sorry Sam… Your brother… I loved him so much…”

Sam pressed his cheek against Castiel’s shoulder. “Yeah, I know Cas. I know.”

“He was… He was…”

“I know.”

“Knowing that I will never see him again… That…”

“I know.”

Castiel exploded in a millions of sobs. Sam stayed silent next to him. Dean had left too many cries, too much void, too much silence. If only he could come back, if only he could have been here.

If Sam closed his eyes he could almost hear him and see him towards them. “ _Now what, don’t cry! Come on Cas it will pass. Sammy you have to take care of this big baby in a trench coat._ ”.

_Go fuck yourself Dean, go take care of him yourself._

xxx

Sam insisted that Castiel come home. His parents had to know, had to know that Dean loved someone, even though this someone was a man. John will hate it, but Sam didn’t care about his stupid father’s needs.

Castiel had calmed down, had excused himself to break down like an idiot. Sam didn’t resent him, when we love someone it was normal to breakdown like that. He was just the only one to not drop a single tear. Even his father, Sam caught him when he thought he was alone, tears in the eyes. It was like Sam was dried, like Dean was dead and had took with him every tears Sam had.

John wasn’t outside repairing the Impala anymore and Sam brought Castiel inside. Mary welcomed him.

“Sam where were you, I was worried… Who is your friend?”

Sam pointed Castiel. “This is Castiel, Dean’s boyfriend. Dean and him were together for about a year, they would still go out without Dean’s accident.”

Mary was stunned for at least thirty seconds. “Dean has a boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I did the same face mom.” Castiel got closer to Mary, with his lost cat look and Mary took his hand to shake it.

“Well then, nice to meet you Castiel. I didn’t know my son was in a serious relationship.”

“Dean preferred it to stay a secret. He wanted to tell his brother, but he didn’t have time.”

Mary offered him to come in the living room to discuss. Castiel followed, Sam behind him. John was here, he was drinking a beer while watching tv which was announcing tons of bad news happening in this shitty world. As if he wanted to be sure there was something worse than the loss of a son. He looked at Castiel. “Who’s that?”

“Dean’s boyfriend” said Sam.

Castiel approached John. Still too straight, really formal. John looked at Sam like he was joking. Then he looked at Castiel and stood up. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I…”

“My son wasn’t a faggot okay?”

“He…”

Get out of my home, whoever you are, and don’t come soil the memory of my son.

John looked threatening, ready to hit something. Sam opened his mouth to say something but John scowled at him. “You shut your fucking mouth. You think it’s funny isn’t it? It amuses you to do all of that? To destroy everything!”

John threw his beer at Sam’s head who step back at the last moment to avoid it. His father turned to Castiel more and more angered and Mary intervened.

She put herself between Castiel and John. “Sorry Castiel, you should leave, it’s not the right time. I’m sorry.”

Castiel retreated. Excused himself to have come. Sam escorted him to the door. “Castiel. Don’t mind my father. He’s an ass.”

“Dean said…”

“I know what Dean said. But he could defend all he want, he’s still an ass.” Castiel nodded without saying anything about it.

Sam watched this man few second, Dean’s dirty secret. “Castiel, at least I know it now. For you and Dean.”

“Yes.”

“He really wanted to tell me?”

“Yes. He rehearsed every speeches. He was disappointed that I left and that he couldn’t tell you sooner.” Sam had a little smile.

“I miss him” said Castiel.

Sam didn’t say anything. Because those words seemed senseless for him, because it didn’t feel strong enough to explain the void Dean had left. “Goodbye Cas.”

“He too called me Cas… Goodbye Sam.” Cas walked away. Sam closed the door.

xxx

John had refused to eat this night. He had stayed to repair the Impala and Sam had only one desire, set on fire this car, to make it disappear forever.

Mary had smiled at Sam while they were eating. “So Dean was in love.”

“It seems.” And Mary, it seemed to make her happy. She didn’t care about the fact that Castiel was a man.

“Dean wanted to tell me” Sam said.

“It doesn’t surprise me, Dean told you everything.”

“You think? Maybe he was hiding other things, maybe I didn’t knew anything about him.”

Mary shook her head. “No Sam. I’m sure Dean didn’t have any other secrets and this one wasn’t meant to stay one.”

Sam lowered his head and Mary stroked gently his cheek.

“Sam you know, when I was pregnant of you, your brother was upset. It was normal at this age, he didn’t understand why I looked less after him. You were always moving in my belly and the first time he felt you, he had his eyes and mouth wide open and didn’t say anything. After that he stopped being upset. Then you were born. I remembered when he saw you, he went straight to you and said that you were his little brother Sammy and that he will protect you. Later, it was sometimes difficult to approach you, he was smothering you. ‘ _What are you doing mom? Why aren’t you letting him sleep? Be careful dad, don’t shake him to much, don’t drop him. He should not drown in the bath, he needs someone to change his diaper, I think he’s hungry_ ’. And you you grew up and never pulled away from him, you behaved like a chick at the beginning, you followed him everywhere and when he wasn’t there you asked where Dean was. And this, this was your first word, John wasn’t happy. Di. Instead of Pa. He fussed about so much. Dean brought you everywhere and you would have followed him to the end of the world. I was so proud of you two, so proud to see my two sons get along so well. And nothing has ever changed between you two, you had always different personalities but you still remained together. Dean loved you, he told you everything Sam, he wanted to tell you this secret too, and would have told you. And I know how much you must be hurt Sam, but you have to hang on now.”

Sam clenched his fists. “It’s unfair.”

Mary noded. “It’s fucking disgustingly unfair.” she said.

Sam lifted his head and his mother smiled a little. “I love you too Sam, don’t forget it. You’re Dean’s brother, I know it, I know it more than anyone. But you’re also my son, you’re both my sons.”

Sam stood up to hug her mother. “I love you too mom. I love you too.”

Then they ate a pie, without putting a candle on it, but it was a tribute to Dean’s birthday.

_Happy birthday bro._

xxx

Sam tried to cover his ears with his pillow but it didn’t work. His parents were screaming too loud. Screaming like never before.

Dean would have hated that, he would have come to see Sam and took him in his arms. He would have said “ _so that you will no be scared_ ” but in fact he was the one who was the most scared about it. Sam would have liked him to be here, they would have discussed, Dean would have said some nonsense, they would have laughed. It would have been comforting, it would have been like being under the storm but not caring about it anymore, waiting it to pass, together. Both of them. If only Dean was here, if only Dean was here, if only Dean was here.

The yelling finally stopped.

Dean wasn’t there and Sam couldn’t slept.

xxx

Her mother had bought another calendar. She didn’t put crosses anymore, but snowflakes, circles, little guys, clouds, suns. But she still continued to count, it was like that, maybe it reassured her, maybe it just became a habit. A damn habit.

xxx

Day hundred and fifty. Mary made Sam sit on the couch.

“Dad and me will divorce.”

Sam wasn’t surprised, nor sad, nor angry. Nor anything. It was like a logic continuation of it. Like he knew it, since Dean died, he knew it. Everything was falling apart.

xxx

Day hundred and fifty one, Sam smiled at his friends and gave them for explanation. “I walked into a door.”

His father has been so mad about this decision, this future divorce, that he unleashed his fury onto him. On the guilty one. Everything is your fault Sam, everything everything everything. It’s even you who killed your brother because it was you he had went to get.

Sam had hoped his father had killed him, but he stopped hitting and left.

xxx

John had never showed loved for Dean. He had to die for something to connect inside him. But then?

He was the favorite son because Dean was loyal to him, because Dean obeyed him, because Dean was a good little boy, a good dog.

And then Dean has disappointed him so many times, Dean has stopped his studies, Dean was always fired, Dean did a lot of bullshit. Luckily, Dean was talented in creating things, he flirted with a lot of girls and it was a proof for his virility, luckily Dean had showed he was a real man.

It must have disgust John, that ultimately his son wasn’t that much of a hetero.

Maybe finally, it eased him that he was dead.

Maybe not.

And maybe he didn’t care about Dean being dead or alive and about Sam. Because the only thing he cared about was his wedding, it was Mary. And even this, he didn’t know how to keep it, he didn’t know how to take care of it. He was going to divorce and he was furious.

Sam thought that Dean would have make himself sick. Maybe he would have lived with John and he would have stayed with Mary, and at the end, they would both end up seperate. He felt like Dean hit him gently behind the head “ _don’t say bullshit Sam, I would have stay with you at the end. You’re my brother. It was the best choice”._

_Shut the fuck up Dean, you should have stay._

xxx

Sam saw Cas. Multiples times. Cas felt in charge of him, as if the fact that he was Dean’s boyfriend made him his second brother. His brother-in-law. What a bunch of shit, Sam only had one brother, he will never have another one. But Cas was a nice guy, a little bit weird, but endearing. Sam wondered how and why his brother had fell in love with this guy, and mostly how he did accept his feeling, how he managed to go out with Castiel?

“How did you met? You and my brother?”

“My car broke down, he was a mechanic. He repaired mine. It was very fast and very easy.”

“He was great with cars. And then you saw each other again?”

Cas nodded “I liked your brother instantly. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. He found me amusing whereas I almost said nothing, he had a really pretty smile… It was idiotic but I wanted to see him again.”

“Hm…”

“And I opened the hood of my car. I tampered something in it. Then I called him. I called Dean.”

“And?”

“He fixed it again. The next day, I did the same. And the day after. And this for a week. Then he had bursted out laughing and told me ‘ _if you want to see me, here is my number, call me it will be easier_ ’. He had guessed.”

“It was kind of obvious.”

“I called him. Dean often laughed because I couldn’t understand his references. I liked to hear him laugh, sometimes I pretended to not understand. He called me too, he offered me to drink together. He wanted us to flirt.”

Sam smiled, he could imagined it very well, his brother making friend and wanting to flirt with him.

“I was really bad at flirting. A catastrophe. Girls always ended up yelling at me, leaving offended, or slap me in the face. At the end Dean didn’t go with a girl too. We ended up staying together.”

“And you confessed to him, you kissed him and by some miracle, my brother didn’t run away screaming?”

“it was him who kissed me.”

“Very fun. Dean kissed you.”

“Yes. And then I didn’t have any news about him. I called him but he refused to answer. For a month he ignored me.”

“So what did you do?”

Cas smiled at Sam. “I ripped few wires in my car.”

“Very good idea.”

“He repaired it. He had stayed silent. I tried to tell him that if he wanted, we could just stayed friends, but he didn’t answer it. I thought it was over, that I will never see him again. I went to pay, and it wasn’t Dean who cashed. I was really depressed. I gave the money to the lady, then I went out of the office to go to my car. To go in the garage, we had to pass in a little hallway. Dean went out from another empty room, took me by the arm. Then when we were in the room he kissed me. I kissed him. We kissed each other.”

“I did understand Cas.”

“And after… It became less complicated. Dean still didn’t call me, but he started to answer my calls. Then we saw each other again, then we started to go out. Dean couldn’t accept it at all. He broke up with me ten times. I hold on. I did well.”

“You must be really stubborn.”

“That’s what your brother also said. One day he stopped breaking up with me, he said that he had to accept what was going on, but that I couldn’t count on him to assume it and tell it to everyone.”

“It didn’t bother you that you had to hide it?”

“I was with Dean, so no.”

“It’s true, good point Cas.”

“One day he said he was going to tell you. I knew how much he hold on to you. I thought that if he was telling you, if he introduced me to you, then he was ready to assume it. That he really loved me even though he never said it to me. That he wanted to stay with me and that it was serious.”

Cas lost his smile and his enthusiasm. Because Dean loved him but he was dead, that little shit with a devastating smile who had hit him right in the heart, he would never see him. Sam knew he was suffering. Really.

“Cas.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you want to rip yourself out of this life?”

“It must be painful to rip yourself…” Said Cas without understanding.

“It’s an image Cas. Don’t you want to shoot yourself in the head to end all of this and join my brother wherever he is?”

Cas tilted his head and seriously considered the question. He didn’t answer Sam with pretty sentences like “ _we have to hold on, we have to continue_ ”, because if he would have done it Sam would have hated him. No Cas answered with something which corresponded him more. “Well Sam. It turns out that I don’t own a gun.”

Sam felt it rise from his throat and couldn’t stop it. He understood what his brother liked in this astonishing big guy. He burst out laughing. He laughed then he started to cry at the same time. He laughed and the tears was spilling and spilling and he laughed harder, without knowing if he was amused or depressed. But here they were, those tears, he thought they had disappeared, he who didn’t cry for a hundred and sixty four days. They were right here. Cas stood up and took him in his arms and Sam didn’t even reject him. He didn’t laugh anymore. He simply cried. While shaking and silently. He cried. This emptiness, this void, this absence and Cas let him cry. He didn’t say it will pass, he didn’t lie to him by saying one day it will be better. He didn’t even try to comfort him. He simply stayed silent, his arms around him and let him cry.

_“Cry bro, cry. You can cry. You have the right. It’s not because you’re weak, simply because you’re sad.”_

xxx

Cas had escorted him home. Sam had said that John had left and if he wanted, he could stay for dinner, that Mary would be happy. Cas accepted to stay. Mary cooked for ten. Castiel ate absolutely everything she offered him, as if he was scared to wasted it, or to say no, or simply because he was able to eat all of it.

Mary questioned Castiel about everything and nothing, she started calling him Cas too. Apparently Cas was the heir of an absent and rich father he never really knew. So he was really really rich, and used his money for associations, he also left to do humanitarian actions in other countries. For the last one, he had asked Dean to come but Dean had refused. He didn’t want to be separated from Sam that long.

“He should have gone with you.”

If he had gone, Sam wouldn’t have seen him for few months but Dean would have came back, he would have been still alive. He should have gone, he should have gone. Sam blamed himself, John was right, it was his fault. His fault if Dean hadn’t gone, his fault if Dean went into the Impala. His fault for his death. He got up from the table and locked himself in his brother’s room.

“I’m sorry Dean, I should have died instead of you.”

He blasted music and curled himself in the bed. He wondered if after all this time it still smelled like Dean, or just Sam.

If he died instead of Dean, Dean would have been free, and he would have Cas to comfort himself. It would have been better for him to die and not Dean.

xxx

Sam had pissed off Dean this time. Dean was flirting with a girl and Sam had come to annoy him to drive him and his friends to the swimming pool.

“Fuck Sam I’m not your maid! Take the bus.”

“Come on Dean you have your licence, and the Impala…”

“And I’m with someone.”

“You will find plenty of pretty girls… You always say the same speech and they fall for it! It’s not like they weren’t remplacable.”

The girl offended slapped Dean and left furious. Dean was mad at Sam. “You didn’t thought that I really liked her? You’re such a dumbass sometimes Sam.”

And in the end he didn’t drive Sam and they ignored each other.

It happened sometimes, they argue, because they had characters so different, but every times Sam felt awful, every times he regretted. And this time wasn’t the exception.

He could be a burden for his brother. He could ruin his life.

xxx

It would have been better if he wasn’t there.

xxx

Sam had avoided Dean. To ease his life. He had told himself that Dean was doing to many things for him, that it wasn’t his big brother’s role, that Dean had to live his life, that no one in the world took care of his brother like this. He had avoided him even though he hated it, for Dean, for Dean’s happiness.

It lasted a week, a week where he barely talked to him, where he did everything he could to avoid him, where he locked his door.

Then Dean gave up and broke the locked door and barged in his room. “Stop ignoring me Sammy! We can argue without you shunning me forever. Especially not because of a girl, seriously.”

Sam had looked at his brother still holding his broken door, blinking.”I don’t shun you Dean.”

“You’re fucking with me! You hadn’t stopped avoiding me.”

“That’s because I want to leave you alone, that you can live your life without you having me all the time, I don’t want to be a burden.”

Dean had dropped the door and moved toward him with furor, putting both of his hands on his cheeks, crushing them and forced him to look at him. “Don’t ever say this Sam. Ever. You’re not a burden to me. You’re my little brother and you’re not a burden!”

Sam had saw the anger in his brother’s green eyes, a huge anger that Sam could think he was a burden to him.

“Don’t ever think that. Because no matter what, you will always be the most precious thing for me in the world!”

xxx

Sam straighten up. Dean would have kicked his ass so much if he heard him he wanted to die instead of him. Dean wouldn’t have beard his loss, like he couldn’t bear it.

It didn’t stop him to feel guilty but he felt a hand in his hair. He turned, it was his mother. Apparently Sam had forget to lock the door.

“Castiel is gone." She said. "He’s sorry, he didn’t want to hurt you.”

“If Dean would have gone with Castiel he would be alive… He wouldn’t have taken the car to get me at the library and…”

Mary stroked her son’s hair then sat next to him. “Dean didn’t die because of you Sam.”

“But…”

“It’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s just… It’s just how it is.”

Sam put his cheek on his mother’s legs and she continued to pet his hair.

“I would prefer to die instead of him.”

Mary slapped him lightly. “Sam! Your life is as worthy as his. I would have liked you both alive.”

And he heard sobs in his mother’s throat, he straighten up, kneeling in his bed, and hugged her.

“Sorry mom.”

She embraced him and let his tears roll against her shoulder.

“Mom do you think Dean’s in Heaven?”

“I think wherever he is, he’s proud of you Sam. He loves you. He loves us. And he for sure had said stupid jokes he’s the only one laughing about.”

Sam had a little smile. It was quite possible for Dean. Quite possible.

xxx

The day of Sam’s birthday was one of those days where Dean’s death, which was already unbearable, became more unbearable. Sam didn’t want to celebrate his birthday, not without Dean.

His brother was utterly bad at gifts, every year he would give him something really lame. His last birthday gift had been an umbrella, and the one before a sun umbrella. Sam had asked him if this year he would give him a windscreen, and Dean had smirked.

Sam will never know that Dean would have give him this year.

And he honestly didn’t care about gifts, he liked the fact that Dean was there for his birthday and that he accepted to eat cake full of cream and sugar, even though he would have preferred a good pie. He liked the way Dean was clowning around, and made this day so perfect, so marvellous, like it was indeed the best day of the year. And Dean said so, for him it was better than Christmas, because it wasn’t the day of a stranger’s birth, but his brother’s.

John always thought it excessive, it was just an anniversary day, that we don’t have to overdo it. Mary thought it was cute, for her, the birth of both her sons was marvellous days.

Sam simply felt happy, because Dean was there.

This year Dean wasn’t there, for the first time. And Sam wondered if he could ever be happy one day. Surely not.

Instead of Dean, there was Cas. Mary had cooked an atrocious cake full of cream and sugar and had put seventeen candles on it. She offered him a beautiful but heartbreaking gift. It was a very old picture of him and Dean. Dean was hardly six on it, Sam two. They were sitting on the old couch they threw out a long time ago. Sam in Dean’s arms, and both of them had cake on their faces and smiles from ear-to-ear. They had both special pointy hats for festive day. It was Sam’s two year anniversary.

Mary had photoshopped it, then framed it. Sam took the gift and hugged it tightly like it was Dean.

“Thank you mom.”

Cas had also brought a gift for Sam. It was a big stack of paper. Sam immediately recognized his brother’s writing. “It was his speech’s attempts. You know. To announce you we were together.”

Sam glanced at it and every words were like a hit. He decided to keep it for later, when he will be alone.

“Thank you Cas.”

They ate the tree of them, Sam didn’t talk a lot. In fact nobody talked a lot.

Then someone knocked at the door.

“I will go” said Sam.

At the door there was his father. John greeted his son. “Hi Sam.”

“Hi dad. Do you want me to seek mom?”

“No I was here for you.”

“Oh.”

John seemed to be walking on eggshells. Sam was waiting, wondering what his father wanted.

“I came here to apologize. I was pretty violent with you since… I regret it. I should not have acted like that.”

Sam couldn’t remember the time his father apologize or if he even regretted his actions, that would have been a long time ago. John often deemed to think that if he had said or done something , there was an actual good reason to it so it didn’t deserve excuses. It was maybe why Sam stayed prudent. “What do you want dad ?”

“Just to be forgiven. And wish you a good birthday.” His father was smiling.

“Thanks” Sam simply said.

“I know you must be really upset Sammy but…”

“Sam. My name is Sam.”

Sam had felt his hair arm bristled, John didn’t have the right to call him like that. Not today. Not now. Not ever.

“But you are my son, and even though sometimes I can be a bad father, I love you.”

Sam put his hand on the door, tense. “What do you want dad?“ He repeated.

“I have a gift for you, you know.”

Sam waited and John continued to smile at him.

“I will pay you your driver licence, it’s awesome isn’t it? You’re already seventeen, every friend of yours must have it.”

Seriously? His father will pay him driver’s lessons? Sam didn’t know if he should laugh or closed the door at his father’s nose.

“Did you already forget that your first son died in a car accident? Or is that a subliminal message for me?”

John lost his smile. “Hm yes. I didn’t think about it. I just told myself that teenagers of your age must have wanted their driver licence… Maybe the gift wasn’t appropriate after all.”

Obviously, _“he didn’t think_ ”.

“Maybe not.”

“But you’re not going to stay without licence all your life Sam, you have to move on.”

Sam clenched his fist and for the third time asked. “What do you want dad?”

John insisted. “Do you forgive me Sam? It’s really important for me.”

“Yeah of course.”

“I came here to apologize, you should make an effort.”

“So I am the one who should make an effort, obviously.” Sam started to be flustered.

“Don’t be upset Sam. I’m sorry about what happened, things shouldn’t had to turn this way. I will pay attention now.”

“You will pay attention?”

“I would like… To have another chance. We were good the three of us right? We were good together.”

Sam started to see red. “You just came back to be with mom again?”

“Yes. No. To be together the three of us.”

“In fact you don’t give a damn about my birthday uh? You’re just here to lick my boots and telling yourself that mom will take you back.”

“What is wrong with you Sam? I’m making efforts, I’m making efforts!”

Sam’s knuckles went white under the strength he was clenching the door. “Go fuck yourself!”

“Don’t talk to me like that. It’s not because for now I don’t live here anymore that you can talk to me like that Sam. I said I was sorry.”

Sam was ready to beat him when an arm caught it. Castiel was standing behind him. John turned colour. “You, what are you doing in my house?”

“It’s not yours anymore!” Said Sam to him father.

Castiel ignored John. “Sam are you okay? You’re shaking.”

Sam was two second away from a nervous breakdown. His father had the balls to come the day of his anniversary to annoy him, to get back Mary, to retrieve his nice and comfortable little life. John was able to say “ _I’m sorry_ ” and “ _I love you_ ” for his own benefit. He came for his birthday to offer him his licence. He came on this particular day, a day which was already a bad day without Dean.

“So you became a faggot too Sam? I’m not even surprise you know. But I’m able to forgive this. If we start again since the beginning, with Mary and you? If you let me, I…”

“Shut the fuck up! Shut up and get out!” Screamed Sam.

“Sammy…”

“DON’T CALL ME THAT.”

Sam was struggling so much Cas had to take Sam against him to contain him.

“Sam let’s go inside. You’re not feeling well.”

But Mary had heard the scream and went to the door. “John.”

“Mary.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to wish a happy birthday to my son.”

Mary turned to Cas and Sam. Sam was on a verge of a breakdown and Cas was firmly holding him.

“Get him in,” she asked Cas. “Take care of Sam.”

Cas obeyed and dragged Sam with him, even though he was struggling with all his might and was screaming. Mary went on the porch and closed the door. Then she faced John.

xxx

It was like the world became red, like everything lost senses. Sam just wanted to hit someone, something, he wanted to hurt himself. He wanted to scream, he wanted to bite. He couldn’t control anything, he was hurting, he had all this pain which only asked to be released, and his body was shaking and it started to become difficult to breath. And Cas was holding him to tightly, he was struggling but he couldn’t get out. Sam was tugging at his body, at his muscles, at his bones, at his soul. He tugged and screamed.

“Leave me Cas!” He was begging. He was hitting Cas’ arms, he was kicking. “Leave me!”

Cas was holding it well. Cas dragged him. Cas was talking softly to him. “Sam, everything is okay.”

How could he say that everything was okay? Nothing was okay. Nothing will ever be okay because Dean was dead and he took the happiness with him. Sam was flailing his arms. Cas continued to dragged him but Sam couldn’t see, he had all of this fury around him and everyone one was as if they were erased, or blurred. He screamed, and screamed like a madman but Cas didn’t let him and wasn’t upset against him.

“Sam, it’s okay, Sam it will be okay.”

_Shut up, shut up, shut up. It will not be okay._

Sam realized he was in the shower with Cas when the warm water fell on them. The water get him out of his bubble of fury, but Sam still continued to scream and to kick Cas didn’t let go. Not for a second. Not even when water calmed down Sam, when after all the screams and lost all his strength. Not even when he emptied and dropped himself. Cas simply followed him in his fall, and sat, keeping Sam in his arms.

Sam ended up turning himself and kneeling against Cas, head against his chest, hands gripping his wet clothes he cried again.

“Why is he dead Cas? Dean would never have let things go this way. Why isn’t he here? Why Cas? Why? What can I do without him? How can I live without him? Tell me, tell me.”

Cas stroked gently his hair. “I don’t know Sam.”

And Sam clenched his teeth. Dean…

“Dean,” he called again, like a supplication. “Dean…”

He will not come, he will never come.

He would have to do without, but he couldn’t. He simply couldn’t.

xxx

Sam fell asleep in Cas’ arms. Mary found them in the shower and took care of Sam. She woke him up gently to change him. She couldn’t care less to see him naked, she was her mother. She warmed him up in a towel and changed him. Sam let her like he was a doll, too tired to say anything. She brought him in his room and laid him down. Then she tucked him in and kissed his forehead. Sam was already sleeping.

xxx

Dean said he was stopping school. His father had signed him up for university but a week later, Dean had already missed two classes and slept through three more. For the last ones, he didn’t understand them or didn’t listen to them. It wasn’t his thing. So he took his courage and told them he stopped, he will find a job. Mary had understood, Dean was never cut for studies. How many times did she see him go out without his bag ? And how many times did she receive calls telling her Dean skipped classes? She saw it coming, but John was so proud of his son going to university that he blinded himself.

It wasn’t that he was stupid, Dean was a smart kid, but sitting on a chair listening to teachers talking about boring stuff he didn’t care about, it wasn’t for him. So what? It didn’t matter. A person’s value can’t be quantify by their advanced classes, nor their happiness. Dean was resourceful, he was doing very well.

Only John thought otherwise, to think they could only become someone if they obeyed him, because he was sure to know the RIGHT path leading to everything. But there were several paths.

Dean has been belittled by his father, he bowed down in front of his father’s words, telling him he was nothing, he will never succeed, he was just a failure.

Sam couldn’t handle it, Sam had opened his mouth. Because he had to give his input like always, like John said _you always had to give your fucking opinion Sam. You always has something to say, just shut your fucking mouth and obey._

“But we are your children, not your dogs.”

And Dean. Dean had to intervene again, protect his little brother, take the harsh words and insults at his place. He yelled at his father. “You’re right dad I’m just a failure.”

So that John wouldn’t say something bad to Sam, so that John couldn’t break Sam. But his father was still a hero, he was still his father, he couldn’t be wrong.

“I’m just a failure.”

Sam hated hearing those words coming out his brother’s mouth so bad. He had exploded, like a time bomb, Sam was in a blind rage like he kept this anger for so long that it became uncontrollable. Sam and his anger, all of his anger. He had screamed at his father that he was the failure. He had screamed that if he couldn’t see how awesome Dean was then he has shit in his eyes. He had screamed insults, nonsense, he had screamed and his brother had to hold him against him to calm him down.

John had looked at him patronizing “You should calm down Sam, this is not how you talk to your father.”

And Sam had calmed down, but not because of John, but because of Dean.

“He’s right Sammy, it’s dad, calm down okay? Calm down.”

His brother’s voice was calm and calming so Sam had regained conscious and tension fell back. Dean had kept him for a bit, to be sure.

“It’s okay Dean, you can stop now.”

Dean has obeyed.

John looked at them and with a condescending tone. “You will do a hundred press ups and Sam if you continue this way, you’ll regret it. I am your father and I demand obedience.” Then he turned his back. “Dean, I maintained what I said. You’re good for nothing, you disappointed me.”

When he left them alone, Dean laid down to start his press up. Sam did the same, clenched teeth.

“Sammy.”

“What?”

“You know… Thank you.. To defend me…”

Sam grumbled. “I won’t let anybody tell you you’re a failure. Anybody. Especially not dad. Especially not you.”

Dean turned his head toward him and had a little smile. “That’s what I’m saying Sam. Thank you.”

Sam didn’t say anything and continued his press ups.

xxx

Sam opened his eyes. He had a headache. He didn’t feel great. He wanted to fall asleep… and never wake up again. But he woke up and went out of his room. In pajamas, messy hair, puffy eyes from sadness and tiredness, dragging his feet. He went downstairs in the kitchen, he was dying of thirst.

His mother was in the living room, when she saw him she stood up and put her hand in his hair to flatten them. “Sam how are you feeling my dear?”

“Hm. Good.” He groaned.

“Do you want to eat something?”

He nodded his no.

“Cas is gone, he apologize about the shower.”

Sam shrugged, Cas didn’t really had the choice.

“John should not come back.”

Sam opened the fridge door brusquely.

“I forbid him to approach you. If he had something to tell, he will tell it to me.”

Sam took out the orange juice and drank from the bottle.

“I know he is your father and that you may find this unfair but…”

“It’s okay mom. It’s better this way. I don’t want to see him anymore.”

Mary bit her lips. “I’m sorry Sam. He wasn’t always like that.”

Sam put away the bottle after drinking it. He took the picture frame and the Dean’s speech attempts, on the table.

“Are you okay Sam?”

Sam shrugged and kept himself for spilling the truth. _My brother is dead, my father hates me and uses me, my mother is always worried, my brother’s boyfriend had to showered me clothed because I’m unable to control my anger, and I am exhausted whilst I just want to be dead, but everything is okay, thanks for your concern._

“I’m good.”

Mary kissed his temple.

“I’m going back to bed mom, I don’t feel too well.”

“Of course.”

Sam went upstairs, put the frame on his nightstand and the papers on the floor. He laid down. Closed his eyes, imagined his brother coming slowly in his room tip toeing, ready to jump on him laughing. He opened his eyes when he heard a noise. Fucking hope. He will never learn. Mary was here, she tugged him. Sam closed his eyes again.

xxx

 

_Delicate essence_

_Of the deliquescence_

_Dark decadence_

_In silence_

_Long degradation_

_Of sense_

_Sweet degeneration_

_Of the essence._

_Lost soul_

_Brother in pain_

_Deceived soul_

_Running unchained,_

_Where are you in this sinkhole_

_Ghost of life?_

_A lost brother_

_Suspended soldier_

_And I doubt this fucking poem will return_

_My older brother that I yearn._

 

xxx

Sam read Dean’s speeches. He didn’t really read them, he almost had the impression of hearing them. To see Dean going in circle, scratch his hair, avert his eyes, look at the floor. Turn red, scrap his neck, sputter. He could almost see him finally turning toward him, looking him in the eyes, stiff, saying “ _Sammy I’m gay”,_ then deflate like a balloon. “ _Sammy, I’m dating a guy_ ”.

Most of the thing he wrote was funny, or ridiculous. But it didn’t make Sam laugh, it touched him deeply.

_“Sammy don’t hate me, I’m so scared that you hate me”._

_“Sammy, you’re my little brother so you have to love me for me”._

_“Hey Sammy you were the one saying it didn’t matter to you to have a gay friend, so it’s the same for your brother isn’t it? Isn’t it?”_

_“Sammy I’m bi, so if you’re feeling homophobic, then at least you’re not bimophobe”_

Bimophobe? What was that word?

_“My dear little brother, I always took care of you and remember I didn’t laugh at you when you gave the poem to this girl, so don’t laugh at me. I’m dating a man.”_

_“Sam, I know I don’t tell you this often, not enough or even never. But Sammy I love you so much, I love you so so much. Don’t forget it when I will tell you something”._

_“By the way Sammy I’m gay, now let’s just forget”._

_“I’m going out with a man Sammy and if you’re not happy about it? … Well I do care. So be happy about it.”_

_“For fuck fuckity fuck. Sammy… How can I say it to you? How? You’re the brain of the family isn’t it? So give me some words, inspire me.”_

_“Sammy, I’m with a man. He’s name is Castiel. He’s older than me. It works well between us. I would like to introduce him to you. So what do you think Sammy, you agree?”_

Sam read them, and reread them again and again and again. Feeding himself with those words as if they could bring back Dean, as if Dean was here, as if he just hugged him.

“Of course I agree Dean, of course it doesn’t bother me, of course I love you. Obviously I love you.”

But Dean wasn’t here, nobody was here.

Silence was violent. Like a punch, like a baseball bat blow. Sam threw the speeches against the wall and curled himself.

xxx

Sam had the high school greatest grades. He had been congratulates for the grades, for the hardwork, for his diligency. Congrats Sam, you’re doing very well. Congrats.

Sam broke the prize they gave against the wall.

xxx

Day two hundred seventy one. Day two hundred seventy two. Day two hundred seventy three. Almost summer break. What would Sam do during the holidays? Study for the next year? He was so bored.

Except when he was seeing Marvin. His psychiatrist has always been devoted to their meeting, and they discussed about everythings and nothing, not often about Dean, but there was so many others subjects to talk about. Sam had talked to Marvin about Castiel. He had talked about his father the day of his anniversary. He had talked about the prize his teachers gave him.

He didn’t talk about his brother’s speeches. Nothing about his poem. Nothing about the emptiness he was stuck in.

xxx

Two hundred eighty seven days. Last day. Holidays. Castiel came to get him. He didn’t immediately bring him back home.

He brought him on the road and Sam asked him. “Are you going to drive in a tree and kill both of us?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

And Cas had continued to drive, without going anywhere. Because this is where the two of them were, without Dean. Nowhere.

xxx

Dean loved driving the Impala.

“Come on Sammy, we’re going on a road trip.”

What Dean called a road trip was just following the road until the end of the town, turn around and go back. But it was awesome. They blasted music, looked right in front of them like they were going far away, the farthest, just the two of them.

“What would we do Dean?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to do Sammy? We can do everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

“Well I would like us to have plenty adventures, like in the books. We would hunt monsters and be like superheroes, you see?”

“Every girls would swoon in my arms. Great idea Sammy. We will have fun.”

That Dean had died in a car accident whereas driving was like a second skin for him was so ironic.

It wasn’t Dean who had drove into a tree, but the tree who had drove right into him.

xxx

Castiel came everyday. Mary let him in like he was family. He kinda was. The Impala which was rotting in the garden disappeared.

“John came to get it.”

And even thought Sam couldn’t stand the car anymore, he hated the fact that in the end his father was the one keeping it. Like he stole something from Dean he didn’t deserve, because he didn’t know how to love him the right way.

Cas often talked about Dean. Like he always had something to say about him, like even if they didn’t know each other for long, Cas had grasp every inch of Dean.

Sam would have had left Cas do the speech the day we burnt his brother.

xxx

Sam and Cas went together in the garden where they had left Dean’s ashes. The plants didn’t die, Sam had been disappointed. Cas joined his hands to pray, Sam didn’t. He just talked to Dean in his head.

“Cas what do you talk about with Dean?”

“I can’t talk to him Sam.”

“You never talk to him? Like he was still here? You don’t have anything to say to him?”

Castiel squinted his eyes then said “I say that I love him, that he was a beautiful person and that I miss him.”

“That’s it?”

“What about you Sam? What do you tell him?”

Sam shrugged and played with a rock with his foot, looking at the ground. “Things.”

Cas didn’t insist.

“Cas?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to fall in love again one day?”

“I don’t know.”

Sam looked up and yelled at the sky. “Hey Dean! You hear? If you don’t come back, someone’s gonna steal your boyfriend!”

Cas was surprised.

“He will find someone prettier than you! You’ll see!”

“I don’t think so. It’s difficult to be prettier than Dean.”

“You hear him? You hear him Dean, he says that you are ugly and had smelly feet!”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So come back Dean, come back or you will lose your boyfriend for good.”

Cas ended up playing along and said. “Come back Dean, or I will say to Sam you had smelly feet.”

“Your feet smelled Dean.”

And Cas yelled in turn. “Your mouth smelled.”

“Your armpits smelled.”

“You had a very ugly face” replied Cas.

“You were the ugliest!”

“The stupidest.”

“The nastiest.”

Cas eventually shook his head and called. “Dean come back because we love you, see? We love you.”

And Sam yelled again. “We love you Dean. Because you were the coolest brother of all time.”

“The most fantastic boyfriend of all time.”

“The funniest guy of all time.”

“The best.”

“THE BEST” Screamed Sam to the top of his lungs.

And Cas screamed too and they both screamed for Dean to come back. And didn’t care if they were looked at, didn’t care about anything.

They stopped screaming and started to stupidly laugh. Laugh.

If Dean had been here, he would have been proud. Really.

But he didn’t come back.

xxx

When do we know when we’re doing better or worse? Sam was happy to see Cas, he talked more to his mother, woke up everyday and ate something, spent his day with Cas and Mary, then went to bed without telling himself he wanted to die.

His mother was divorcing, there was all this problems with the lawyer, with John who refused to sign the papers, who was pulling his crap. So he had things to think about during the holidays.

Marvin thought Sam seemed healthier. Even his mother thought so. Less angry, more causting, more here. She thought Cas did a lot. He didn’t replace Dean, nobody will replace Dean, ever. Ever. But he was a sort of fraternal figure. His “brother-in-law”, in other word.

He clinged to whatever we find when we’re drowning.

Days passed. Summer break ended, classes started again. Then it had been three hundred sixty five days, a complete cycle in the calendar, this was how much time they were separate from Dean. Was this anniversary something we should celebrate? Get the champain, the pie, put rock music as background and do like everything was behind them?

Dean, that’s what he would have liked, if he was here for his own death anniversary.

So Mary, Sam and Cas did it. They made a pie, put rock, and dressed the way they want. They sang, smiled, even laughed. They clapped their hands and feet, ate the pie, kept one slice for the one year missing.

Sam had also a meeting with Marvin too. He talked about his brother this day. A year.

“And how are you feeling Sammy? Do you still want to commit suicide?”

“No.”

“Good, you already did a long way.”

“Yes.”

And Sam had smiled at Marvin, who congratulated him.

xxx

Sam knew what to do. He had prepared everything consciously. Cas was gone, Mary was sleeping in front of the tv. Sam had filled the sink with hot water and put his wrists in. The blade was next to it.

Exactly a year before, Sam had done the same, without questioning it, but in the end he had stopped. To take care of his mother, to give a chance to life.

Yes he had taken pills at a time, but didn’t overdose it, without believing in it. The proof: he was still here.

And a year had passed. Three hundred sixty five fucking long days to die, without dying for real. The worst year of his life, the most senseless one too. And what? They were seriously asking him to live more? To continue like that until he finally die? So how many years would it take? Sam couldn’t, he simply couldn’t. He didn't have nor the strength, nor the courage, nor the desire. He didn’t move forward, he was going in circle, he was searching Dean everywhere. He was battling against the wind and the absence, an absence which was widening more and more the void in him.

Everybody said pain will fade away, but Sam felt like it was simply more horrible. When trying to stop breathing, we just end up choking, which wasn’t less painful, it was worst.

It was worse. Every times. Even with Cas, even with his mother. He was sorry, but he couldn’t, he simply couldn’t anymore.

Dean was dead and had taken away the sense of life.

Sam had tried, tried today too. He had tried with all his might, to believe it, to tell himself it will pass, he will move on, that pain will still be here but he will learnt to live with it, that Dean’s absence will start to become a habit. He had laughed, he had eaten pie, he had talked to his psychiatrist.

And the only thought he had was “please, make it stop”.

Make everything stop.

He didn’t care that Dean was angry, was not proud of him. Because Dean was dead and he just wanted to join him. He just wanted to find his brother again, in a better world, or a worse world.

And maybe dying was just dying, but at least he would be with him. He would be with him.

Sam had wrote a letter to his mother. A long letter which didn’t justify his act, but explain how much he loved her and how much he was sorry. She will suffer, she will suffer so much and if he could have spare her this pain he would have done it, of course. But Sam couldn’t. If he did another step, if he spent another day, he would melt in pain. He couldn’t anymore, he didn’t ask for understanding, or that we pardon him, just to let him go.

He even left a note to Cas, something like “ _my brother would have liked you to fall in love again_ ”. And it was all. Sam didn’t even want it, he didn’t want Cas to love someone else than Dean, like the fact that he had been his boyfriend linked him forever to him. Even if he was dead. Especially if he was dead.

But he couldn’t forbid Cas to live his life, so he had left this note.

Sam wasn’t scared, wasn’t stressed, nothing. It was simply the logic continuation of this story. Starting by his brother’s death, continuing by his family falling apart and ripping out. Ending with his death.

He took the blade and opened his veins.

He didn’t even feel the pain. It was nothing compare to what he was feeling inside.

He watched the blood drip, felt little by little his head being lighter. He smiled.

xxx

Sam had fallen sick, it had been a very bad virus, he had to go to the hospital. He only was nine and Dean thirteen and it had been a horrible moment for Dean.

More than once, he went in his brother’s bed and pressed himself against him. “Cough hard Sam, give me your virus and heal.”

But then Sam held his cough. He didn’t want Dean to fall ill. He held it so hard that his eyes started watering. And in the end the cough was stronger and he cought, cought, cought.

“Good Sammy.”

“Don’t be ill Dean, don’t be ill.”

Dean had not fallen ill and Sam’s state became worse. The doctors didn’t know what to tell to the parents. Fifty-fifty. Either way he lives or dies.

Dean didn’t want to hear that. He took his little brother’s hands. “Sam if you die, I die with you.”

“No Dean.”

“If you die, I die with you! So if you want me not to die… You have to live!”

And Sam…

Sam healed.

Maybe because he was lucky, maybe because he was strong, maybe thanks to the medicines.

But Dean and Sam always thought it was thanks to Dean’s words. If you die, I die, so you have to live.

If you die, I die. Dean.

xxx

Then thunder, someone pounding against the door. Calling him. Sam doesn’t answer it, Sam wants to die. But they break the door and Sam… It’s idiotic but for two seconds Sam tells himself “ _it’s Dean, he’s alive, he is rescuing me_ ”. It wasn’t Dean, it was Cas. Would they stop ripping his heart one day?

Cas used everything he found in the medical kit to compress Sam’s wrists. Mary was already calling 911.

Sam was too weak to stop Cas to save him.

“What are you doing Cas?” He whispered. “Who do you think you are uh? My fucking guardian angel?”

Cas had laid Sam on his side. “Dean would not want me to left you die, I’m sorry.”

“Dean is dead, leave me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sam had closed his eyes. With a bit of luck, he would still die, he would still die.

xxx

Sam watched the hospital’s ceiling. Then he tore the pipes linked to his arms, tried to drag himself toward the window, hoping to be at the hundredth floor. The medics held him and Sam screamed.

_Let me die, let me die, let me die._

xxx

They were obligated to tie him. Because the minute Sam woke up he became crazy, and maybe with this much pain, he did really became crazy. They couldn’t keep him tied to long, so they locked the windows and gave him heavy dose of drugs. Keeping him conscious but too tired to even think about suicide. Sam was in the psychiatric side of the hospital and Mary came to see him. She always walked out crying. Sam didn’t look at her, Sam didn’t speak to her. Sam just wanted to be left to die.

Cas came to see him too and Sam screamed at him, when he wasn’t too drugged.

“Why did you save me? How did you know?”

Cas had explained. This night, he was going home. He started driving, but something was bothering him, something wasn’t right. Like an uneasiness. He was suddenly scared and had to turn back. Something was wrong. It was simply a gut feeling, it didn’t have any logic. It was something in Sam’s look or in his voice. Maybe Sam had became too joyful all of a sudden. Too lively.

No matter what, Castiel had turned back and he did well.

“You did not do well. Go die. Go die and let me die.”

xxx

Sam woke up this day and he saw his father’s face. Great, not only he was alive but John came to see him.

“Sam. Are you going to annoy everyone for long?”

Hm? No. If only people let him commit suicide.

“Your mother can’t stop crying, so you will take your life in hand and quick. Dean is dead for a year now, get over it.”

“Like you?”

“Yes like me. I got over it.”

“That’s why you’re repairing the Impala?”

“It’s my car, I do what I want with it!”

Sam rolled his eyes.

“So you’re going to take your life in hand! And quick.”

“Did mom asked you to come?”

“She thought it could help you, seeing your father. Really Sam, you’re pathetic but I want her to stop crying, so clench your teeth and continue to live.”

Sam turned his head on the side but John violently grabbed his chin between his hands and forced him to look at him. “Look at me Sam. It’s an order, you’re going to stop your bullshit and you’re going to live.”

His father was hurting him but Sam didn’t bulge.

“Go fuck yourself.”

He heard his teeth shook when his father’s fist touched his cheek.

“Shake yourself off it or I will shake you! So shake off!”

Sam closed his eyes while John grabbed him by the shoulders to shake him for real, screaming to shake himself off, that it was easy, that he only had to make an effort.

His father was forcefully removed and someone put a gauze on his cheek. Nobody could put a gauze in his heart, nobody could heal him from the real pain.

xxx

“I am sorry Sam, asking your father to come was not a good idea.”

Sam had finally accepted to look at his mother and talk to her.

“It’s okay mom. Stop feeling guilty. You thought well.”

She took her son’s hand. “Sam I know you can’t take it anymore but I need you.”

“I know.”

“I beg you, stay alive.”

Sam smiled at him mother. “Alright, I will stay alive.”

The doctors found him more and more calm, more and more compliant. Ready to talk, ready to listen. They stopped drugging him with medicines. They found Sam trying to hang himself with sheets.

xxx

A broken leg, that’s what he got. Just a fucking broken leg. Just because the medic in the chaos had dropped him when they were untying him, it didn’t kill him, just broke the bone when he landed on his leg.

xxx

Dean had broken his arm. It was what happened when we are eight and was clowning on a tree and fell on his arm. Dean was bragging at his friends at school and came back with the clast signed by everyone. However there was a big blank space in the middle of the clast.

“This, it’s for you Sammy, you have to write what you want.”

Sam was only four, he didn’t know how to read and barely write. So he had put his name “SAM” and a big circle.

“What’s the circle?”

“It’s not a circle! It’s a heart!”

And Dean had laughed. “You’re bad at drawing Sammy.”

But when they took out Dean’s clast, he asked to keep it. He succeed to cut Sam’s space and kept it.

Sam wondered what he had done with it. He wondered what Dean would have wrote on his.

xxx

Castiel didn’t understand why Sam wanted him to ask for a marker, but he did and came back with one.

“You have to write something on my clast.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s a tradition. Hurry up and write something.”

Cas had nodded. He put the marker on the clast and wrote his thing. “Sam, are you pretending to be well so you can try to commit suicide again?”

“Of course yes Cas.”

Cas nodded, finished writing and capped the marker.

“What did you write?”

“It’s a lucky charm,” Cas said “Dean had explained it how to do it.”

“How do we do it?”

“We write SAM and we put a big ugly circle which is supposed to be a heart next to it.”

Sam suddenly burst into tears. Cas put his hand on his back. “He remembered all of this crap…”

“He did more than remember Sam. He even showed me the piece of clast.”

“And you really wrote SAM with a fake heart?” Asked Sam his voice full of sobs.

“No.”

“Then what?”

“I wrote DEAN, with a real heart.”

Sam weepted more and Cas took Sam against him. “ And below, I wrote CASTIEL with a little angel. As I am your ‘ _fucking guardian angel_.’ ”

“Idiot,” sobbed Sam. “Why did you save me Cas? I can’t do it without him.”

“Because Dean would want you to live Sam.”

“You would do everything Dean wanted uh?”

“Of course yes.”

Sam clinged to Cas and cried until it physically pained him, and then he cried more. Too bad if his heart was tired, if his eyes burnt, too bad if his stomach was in knots, if his whole body wanted him to stop, he cried, he cried.

Cas stayed with him and Sam cried.

xxx

Sam talked to Marvin. He talked about Dean, for real, without beating around the bushes, without talking about other matters, he talked about his brother, their relationship. He talked about a lot of moments he had with Dean, good and bad ones. He explained they were practically always together. Sam told him he had a lot of friends of course, but what matter the most was the other one. For Sam Dean was top priority and for Dean, Sam was his.

He admitted he cleared everything around him, he didn’t really have friends at high school anymore, because he couldn’t hang with somebody.

Sam explained he had a codependency relationship with his brother, some found this unhealthy, but they didn’t care. They were brothers and were happy spending time together, why would they care about what people think about them?

“Normally it shouldn’t be like that” whispered Sam.

“How should it be?”

“I don’t know. He should have grown up together, then Dean would have moved out and took me with him. Then we would live our live. Him with Cas and me, I don’t know, with a nice girl. We would have had semi-detached houses, shared our barbecues, raised our kids together -if Cas had kids. Then when Dean would have been eighty two years old and me seventy eight, we would have been in the same retirement home, sat on the same bench. Maybe with Cas, and my wife, maybe not. We would have become senile, or not. We would have been together and would have died of old. Or… We would have died together in a car accident and voilà. But not him alone and me on my own."

Marvin stayed silent.

Sam shut for few seconds before continuing. “If I could, I would sell my soul for him to come back. Or I would do black magic to resurrect him. If it was possible, I would do everything for him to live again. You understand? I would damned myself if there was a single chance to see him again.”

“And you think suicide would bring you to him?”

“If there’s a chance, yes I would try it.”

“And if it’s not?”

Sam looked down. Unable to answer.

“Sam, if killing yourself seal your fate forever? If you could never join him?”

“No no. It’s impossible. Don’t tell me there no way to find him again, please.”

“Maybe the only way is to live.”

“I don’t want to live without him," Yelled Sam. "I don’t. I can’t.”

Sam felt the tears pricked at his eyes. Now he only did that. Cry, cry and cry again. For a long time the pipes were cut but now it’s like he was only made of water.

“I want to believe I will be with him, that there’s a way to be with him. I beg you, let me die.”

“I can’t do this Sam. Living is important.”

“Important for what? For who? My brother’s life was important then why? Why?”

“I don’t have this answer Sam.”

“My brother is dead so why bother living? Why bother?”

Why bother?

xxx

Cas came and talked about Dean too. “I had a dream this night.”

“What dream?”

Dean started kissing me and…”

“I don’t want to know about your erotic dreams with my brother, Cas.”

“It was not that.”

“So what was it then?”

“He told me he wasn’t dead but had transformed into an elephant. It was a peculiar dream.”

“An elephant, seriously?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s it?”

Cas blushed a bit. “Maybe the follow-up had eventually been a bit erotic.”

Sam put his hands on his ears. “Aaaah why are you telling me this?” Then burst out laughing and Cas smiled at him.

xxx

“Marvin do you think that other worlds exist?”

“I don’t know and you?”

Sam answered. “I don’t know either. But maybe, there’s a world where Dean and me, we are still together. We really went on a road trip, we did really became sort of superhero.”

“And you are happy?”

“Not at all, of course not. I’m sure we’re utterly miserable, we have tons of problems and a lot of people died.”

“Why so negative?”

“Because I think that even though everything seems to go badly, we’re not that unfortunate. Because we’re together. I think that I would prefer this, as long as I’m with Dean? I could handle it, with my brother.”

Marvin nodded. “I understand. But maybe there’s a world Sam, where your brother’s dead and you found your will to live.”

“Not in this world a least…”

xxx

Mary had brought him books.

“Thanks mom.”

“I was telling myself that you must be bored and that will occupy you.”

“You’re awesome!” Smiled Sam.

Mary nodded but didn’t smiled back.

“What’s wrong?”

“You are pretending to go feel better Sam, isn’t it?”

Sam shrugged and opened the book. “I don’t know. Maybe I will never feel better but I can pretend for a long time.”

Mary hugged him. “If I could do anything for you to feel better…”

Sam refrained himself to say “ _bring Dean back_ ”.

“It’s okay mom. Here, they’re treating me, giving me lot of colorful pills, and Cas comes to tell me stories. Plus I have an awesome psychiatrist. And now you brought me books.”

_It’s okay. All is well in the best of all worlds._

xxx

How many days? How much time? It’s not important. Sam’s going to live and it will be just hard, unbearable and horrible. He will live and one day he will be older than Dean, and he will not know if Dean was his big brother or the image of a big brother anymore. He will just bear what’s next. How would have Dean grow old? What would he say later? What would have happened?

Sam had to take on himself this night not to try the hanging thing again. He had to think about his mother and Cas, tell himself stories.

He couldn’t die, everything will be fine, everything will be fine.

If only he could die.

xxx

Sam had to go home the next day. He had a last meeting with Marvin before being released. They would see each other again soon of course, but Sam would not be at the hospital this time.

“So Sam, do you still think about killing yourself?”

“I almost did yesterday.”

“It’s all about the almost.”

“I can’t see how I can hold it this long. I won’t lie. I don’t know if I could do it, if the pills will suffice, if my mother and Cas will suffice, if your meetings will suffice. Maybe tomorrow everything will blow up inside me and I couldn’t hold it anymore. I can’t say ' _no I don’t want to die anymore_ ', I want to die, all the time.”

“It’s a good thing to admit it Sam. We’re stronger when we know against what we’re fighting.”

“If you say so.”

“Marvin smiled then said. “I thought about something.”

“About what?”

“I was thinking, maybe your brother was here, with you, that he never left you. You can’t see him, you can’t be sure and he can’t talk to you or communicate with you, but he’s here. It would explain how all of your attempts have failed, because he was protecting you. That’s also why Castiel came back to save you, Dean had to be here and whispered to him you were in danger, for him to protect you. He’s here and is listening right now and he must be nodding with his invisible head and cross his fingers for you to believe me and you to live, Sam.”

Sam smiled. “You’re really a psychiatrist? Because it’s totally a crazy theory and not scientific at all you know.”

“Indeed. We can be a psychiatrist and a bit of a dreamer. But Sam don’t you want him to be here? Even though you can’t talk to him, even though you can’t see him, it would be better if he was here?”

Sam nodded.

“Don’t you have the feeling that he was here?”

Sam chewed at his lips. Of course yes. He had expected to see him when he’s turning too fast, when he opened a door, when he woke up, in every shadows, every reflections, hidden in every corners. He had expected to see him coming through somewhere and hugged him.

“You’re telling me this so I have hope isn’t it? You don’t believe it yourself.”

“It doesn’t matter what I believe, and what it is Sam. The important thing is what strength it gives you.”

Sam stayed silent.

“So Sam, does it give you the will to live?”

xxx

Sam talked to Cas after the meeting. Because Cas came even if it was his last day and Cas had smiled. “Sam, some things can’t be explained. I don’t understand all of it. But this day I turned back. So why not? I prefer this idea than the one where he became an elephant.”

“Stop with your elephant story.”

“But it was my dream. I didn’t do anything.”

“But you dream about my brother being an elephant, you’re so weird, so so weird.”

“Dean told me that too.” Smiled Cas.

“I know why Dean loved you Cas.”

“Why?”

“Because you should have made him laugh all the time. Dean was often hidden behind a mask of fake smiles. It should have been good for him to laugh for real.”

Cas nodded. “I’m happy to have made your brother’s laugh.”

Sam put his arms around Cas. “Maybe you’re still making him laugh.”

“Maybe.”

And Sam was sure. If Dean was still here, he would have laughed. If Dean was here, he was laughing. Because of this elephant story.

_So Sam, does it give you the will to live?_

xxx

His first memory of Dean was a bit strange. Not very clear. He saw Dean running toward him, he doesn’t know why anymore. Dean was running toward him and Sam felt like Dean would never join him because he was so far, so far.

But Dean was running so fast he arrived in a blink of an eye. He smiled with all his teeth and messed his hair. “Hey Sammy. I’m here.”

_Hey Sammy, I’m here._

xxx

Sam didn’t know if he was going to live, he thought he could explode at any moment and crack. He didn’t know if he wanted to try or even wanted to fight. But he had to come home now.

Maybe he was going to live, maybe he was going to do something stupid shortly after coming home. Maybe he will try and the day of his twenty one years old, it will be too hard to support and he will kick the bucket. Maybe one day he will be seventy eight and maybe he will never be eighteen.

Sam didn’t know. The pain was still here. Despite the words, despite the consolation, despites the medication. They took his brother and the pain will never go away.

He wasn’t alone, he had his mother, he had Cas “ _his fucking guardian angel_ ”, and maybe he even have a sort of ghost of Dean. Maybe yes.

Then maybe he will not be okay.

And maybe yes.

His mother came to get him. Sam was sitting in the back of the car without apparent reason. Maybe because Dean often sat in the front seat, sometimes they fight each other because of that.

“Mom.”

“Yes?”

“I thought about that, and I think I will pass my driver licence.”

Mary agreed.

And Sam smiled and closed his eyes. If Dean was here, he was sitting at the back with him, he was clenching his sides and without a doubt he was smiling. Maybe he put his hand in his hair.

_Hey Sammy, I’m here._

xxx

_Hi Sammy. Sam. Hey Sam. Sammy. Come I saw something extraordinary. Who is the jerk who’s bothering you? Don’t mind what dad’s saying, he loves you. He loves you. For fuck sake Sam, You’re such a dumbass sometimes. Sam give me the salt. Can you play with me? I’m bored. Saaaam stop studying five minutes I’m bored. Sammy I’m bored we’re going out? Eh Sammy look. Look you see? It’s beautiful isn’t it? Sam I fucked up everything. Sam thank you for trusting me. For me Sam you will always be my first priority. Sammy don’t die. If you die I die, so you have to live. Sam you only did nineteen press-ups, you cheater. I am proud of you. You coming for a road trip? Sam you coming with me? By the way Sammy: I’m coming in two minutes. Yes I will be on time, stop annoying me Sammy. Sammy I promise you to get you, cross my heart, hope to die. I’m gonna teach you how to bike Sammy. She doesn’t know her loss. You’re so smart Sam. Stop bothering me Sam. Don’t say bad things about dad! I know everything about you Sam. I will never leave you. You’re not a burden to me. Hey Sammy, I’m here._

 

_I love you Sammy._

**Author's Note:**

> The authoress : reading the fic again was as hard as writing it, and yet paradoxically I wanted to write it and read it. It’s the kind of text which breaks you and yet touches something. Well I think. I hope that if you had the courage to read it, you liked it. I will not tell you the ending I thought first, because it was really terrible. I prefered this open ending, leaving the choice. Don’t hesitate to tell me what you think about it, if you liked it or if you hated it, or both. Thanks for the read.


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